Interview with a Cubicle Guru

William Vitanyl, the man who proves that working in a cubicle drives you insane, has finally deigned to give YouCube an interview. Of course, this may or may not have something to do with the recent publication of Bill’s book, “The Official Guide To Office Wellness,”

Regardless, we are pleased to welcome Mr. Vitanyl to the studio for an exclusive interview. Bill also represents the publishing company, Bayla publishing and prefers to be referred to as , “Bayla,” for the purposes of this interview.

YC: Thanks for the interview, Bayla. Can you tell us about your latest book, The Official Guide to Office Wellness?

Bayla: Sure. Basically it’s a 120-page hardcover book that features 100 office workers demonstrating animal-inspired techniques designed to alleviate office maladies.

YC: You’re kidding? ……. I mean, uh, why animals?

Bayla: Because animals have wisdom.

YC: Interesting…… So you use the inspiration of animals to help humans survive their cubicle existence?

Bayla: Sort of. As the leading expert on animal-inspired cubicle exercise I recognize that animal physiology is radically different from ours. Years of research has shown this to be true.

YC: Right… and are there any other experts on animal inspired cubicle exercise?

Bayla: (Ignoring the question) So attempting to mimic actual animal movements and apply it to human wellness would be a bit silly.

YC: But the book itself is rather silly.

Bayla: Animals provide inspiration. There’s nothing silly about being inspired.

YC: But the models in the photographs are posing on, over, and in their desks and cubicles. The positions are rather bizarre. Some people might think that’s silly.

Bayla: Maybe those people haven’t spent fifteen years in a cubicle, suffering all manner of office ailments.

YC: That’s a good point. Could you give us an example of some of the ailments that your book addresses?

Bayla: Certainly. There are many recognized office maladies, most of which go untreated. For example, the anguish of Office Myopia can be debilitating.

YC: Office myopia?

Bayla: Sometimes an office worker will become so attuned to the details of their own assignment that they lose sight of the bigger picture. This is an important aspect of “Planned Knowledge Deficit”, a common strategy for managing teams of workers, but it can be devastating to the solitary office worker.

YC: So what’s the solution?

Bayla: The Common Raccoon Focal Position. By blocking your peripheral vision while sitting on your desk, you learn to concentrate only on the task at hand.

YC: But wasn’t that the very problem you were trying to fix—too much focus?”

Bayla: Yes. So I incorporate morsel distancing with this technique. By placing an attractive food item on your extended leg you are forced to look outward.

YC: How could that possibly help?

Bayla: That’s where the animals come in. In this case the Common Raccoon inspires diffused focus.

YC: hmmmm….. and what exactly are your credentials?

Bayla: (Ignoring the question once again) Let me give you another example. Many office workers suffer from Cooler Phobia, an irrational resistance to the task of replacing the water cooler.

YC: Why is it irrational? Isn’t it an unpleasant task?

Bayla: Unpleasant, yes, but often misunderstood. The only effective treatment is the Glass Lizard Bucket Movement, as shown in the book.

YC: Yes, I see that on page 27. The model is pretending to lift buckets of imaginary water.

Bayla: Precisely. And with time those pretend buckets will be imagined to be heavier and heavier. Eventually the act of lifting water will become virtually second nature.

YC: Problem solved…

Bayla: Quite. And the descriptive text makes the photo self-explanatory.

YC: I see you include the Latin name of the animal inspiring the technique. Why is that?

Bayla: Any reputable medical journal includes Latin.

YC: Would you consider The Official Guide to Office Wellness a medical journal.. up there with the British Medical Journal for instance?

Bayla: No, but the Latin names are accurate.

YC: OK…… Is the book intended as a serious work, or is it more of a spoof?

Bayla: What do you think?

YC: I think it’s hilarious, but not if you find that offensive.

Bayla: Not at all. In fact, it won an IPPY award for humor.

YC: What’s an IPPY?

Bayla: Independent Publishers book award. It’s the largest book contest for independent publishers in the world. I took third place in the humor category.

YC: So it is supposed to be a spoof.

Bayla: Maybe. For sure it’s not intended as an actual exercise program. I suppose it’s more like therapy, you know—to make office workers laugh at the common problems we see in the cubicle arena.

YC: Well it certainly made me laugh.

Bayla: That proves it.

YC: Do you have any other projects in the works?

Bayla: Well, I created Bayla Publishing to produce and distribute The Official Guide to Office Wellness, and that’s going pretty well. I have a couple other book projects I’m mulling over, or maybe I’ll take on someone else’s book, if it’s something that appeals to me and is marketable.

YC: Where can people get a copy of your book, and how much does it cost?

Bayla: You can get it on Amazon, and many bookstores carry it or can order it. It costs $17.95, US. You can also get an autographed copy from my website, www.baylapublishing.com.

YC: I understand you have a book signing coming up?

Bayla: That’s right. If you happen to be in Erie, Pennsylvania on December 15, 2007 from 1-3pm, I’ll be at the Borders bookstore near the Millcreek Mall. I’ll have a couple of my models on hand to demonstrate techniques from the book, with a writing and publishing workshop afterwards.

YC: Sounds like lots of fun. Maybe I’ll show up.

Bayla: That would be great. If you do I’ll buy you a mocha java.

YC: I do have one more question. I saw a picture of your cubicle, and it has a strange, broken trophy sitting on a stack of books. I understand the stack of books, and the elevated nature of the trophy. But what is the trophy for? What is it, exactly?

Bayla: Ah, the infamous trophy. [hesitates uncomfortably] Okay, I’ll tell you the story.

YC: At last…

Bayla: So I was working in an office where the cubicles were scheduled to be replaced. When the truck arrived with the new cubicles it was way overloaded. I guess the cubicle company was trying to save money by double-stacking.

YC: Unconscionable.

Bayla: Totally. So without thinking, I ran out and tried to stop them.

YC: Why?

Bayla: I don’t know—I wasn’t thinking.

YC: Okay.

Bayla: I guess one of the workers was an illegal, and he thought I was with Immigration. He bolted, but when he jumped off the truck this trophy fell out and the figurine broke off. After the truck left one of my coworkers went back for the trophy and taped on the figurine with a piece of black tape. Over time it became a symbol for cubicle unity.

YC: Why?

Bayla: It just did.

YC: That’s it?

Bayla: That’s it. Cubicle unity. It’s all about Kyuboria.

YC: That was your previous book, right?

Bayla: Sure was. But that’s another story.

YC: Sounds like another interview. {Both laugh] Well thanks so much for your time. Are you available to answer questions that our readers may have?

Bayla: Sure. Send any questions along and I’ll forward my answers.

YC: Thanks again.

Bayla: My pleasure.

The Trophy in question:

Kyuboria.

“The Official Guide To Office Wellness,”